


Full Caravan

by unwillingadventurer



Category: Full House (UK TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:08:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29040660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unwillingadventurer/pseuds/unwillingadventurer
Summary: The Hatfields and McCoys take a trip to a holiday camp.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 3





	Full Caravan

**Author's Note:**

> Once again the character of Jason is written with Anthony Valentine in mind :D

Parking the car in the muddy field next to a caravan park, the Hatfields and McCoys sat for a moment staring out their windows as the rain pelted the glass and the wind blew the trees around outside. The grey sky overhead made it appear like evening and there was not a soul in sight.

Diana folded her arms. “Well arrived finally. Better late than never I suppose. I didn’t think we’d ever get past those sheep.”

“One had evil eyes, Diana,” Paul noted. “I’m just glad we got here in one piece before we were mauled to death.”

“Don’t look at me like that through the rear-view mirror, Paul,” Murray said, leaning forward. “It’s not my fault you can’t read a map properly.”

“I am perfectly capable, Murray, of reading a map.”

Marsha, trying to remain cool at the driving seat, took a deep breath. “Well, if you two hadn’t squabbled the whole time, we’d have gotten here far sooner.”

“And if Paul hadn’t got us a bogus trip to Paris we’d be there instead of here!” Murray moaned.

“How was I to know it was a scam? You three are always going on at me to be more spontaneous, well, this just proves that I was better the way I was. Cautious and slow.”

“Certainly that with map reading,” Murray noted. He nudged Marsha. “Not so great in the bedroom though, eh?”

She smiled. “I have no complaints. Look can we just make the most of it? Jason got us a discount at the holiday camp and we have two luxury caravans and good company. Plus, Jason will be singing tonight.”

“Marsha’s right,” Diana said, opening her car door and stepping out into the rain, attempting to fold the map as she did so, but it blew into her face. “Oh sod it!” She threw it onto the floor and stamped on it. “We’ll have to wing it on the way back.” 

Paul handed out two umbrellas to his friends and then opened his own and held it over Marsha and himself. “I came prepared.”

“Isn’t that sweet?” Diana said, shoving Murray. “Why can’t you open an umbrella for me?”

“I was under the impression you’d mastered opening things.”

With a quick run, they arrived by the entrance to reception where they sheltered under the porch and were greeted by Jason who was working at the holiday camp temporarily and was dressed in a purple and green shell suit. He trotted over to them and began to sing. “The Hatfields and McCoys are here!! Hallelujah it’s raining men!”

“And women!” Diana said, embracing her old friend.

“And women, my dear. The most divine women, I might add.”

After all embracing Jason, Paul led the way into reception where Jason gave them their key to the caravan.

“One key for two caravans?” Marsha said with confusion.

“No, no, it’s just the one, I’m afraid.” Jason winked. “Though I always think a bit of squeezing in, is wonderful.”

“But we’re already squeezed in at home,” Paul said. “Here we asked for two caravans.”

“No can do, lovely Paul. It’s all they had left. And you did get the discount.”

Marsha took her husband’s hand. “It’ll be fine, Paul. I’m determined to make the most of this. Come on, it can’t be worse than that time we went to the Isle of Wight with your mother.”

…

Looking around at the caravan, Marsha sighed. “Alright it could be as bad as that time with your mother.”

There was a scream coming from another tiny room in the small and tatty caravan.

“Diana?” Marsha called.

“It wasn’t me, it was Murray,” Diana said, peering her head around the door. “There’s only one bedroom.”

“I call it,” Murray said, “finders keepers.”

“But where will we sleep?” Paul said, glancing around the living room area. 

“Fold out bed, darlings,” Jason said from the doorway, “perfectly adequate and good for snuggling I always find.”

“I’m not sleeping here!” Paul said. “My lumber region needs proper mattress support.”

“You slept in the bathroom once,” Murray reminded him.

“Yes, and I suffered for days afterwards.”

“Well, I’m not sleeping on that thing,” Diana said. “To save arguments, Marsha and I will take the bed.”

“Ooh I say!” Jason cooed.

Marsha grabbed her bag. “I agree. You two got us into this mess, now we’re going to change into our swimsuits, forget it’s a storm out there and head to the warm, indoor pool area.”

Murray threw his suitcase onto the floor as Jason headed for the exit. 

“I’ll join you in the pool in five,” he said. “Can’t wait for you to see the show tonight, fellas.”

After he left, Paul sat down next to Murray. “He’s really excited, isn’t he?”

“He only gets to do this once a year. Well, better get into my trunks.” He stood up. “Think I’ll use the tiny bathroom.”

…

Sitting by the side of the pool, Marsha and Diana were waiting for the men as they sipped drinks. 

“Where are they?” Diana said, narrowing her eyes, not realising they were already walking into view.

“Diana, have you got your contacts in?”

She shrugged. “Forgot to bring them!”

“What are you going to do? You can’t spend the whole holiday blind as a bat.”

“Guess we’ll have to go into town, but for now, help me, Marsha, are they coming?”

“We’re right here, four-eyes,” Murray said, pinching her bottom.

“Oh Murray!”

Murray sat down next to her, reclining so his feet were up on the opposite seat. “Coming in for a soak?” He was about to dangle his foot into the water when Paul screeched. 

“No!”

“What?”

“You’ve got a verruca!”

“Bloody don’t.”

“You do. Wait there.” Paul headed to a locker where he pulled out a small bag and returned. “Here you go, verruca sock.”

“I’m not wearing that.”

“Then no pool.”

Murray sighed and swiped the sock from his grasp. “Fine. And what is that other thing you’re holding?”

“My thermometer.”

“And just where were you planning on inserting that?”

“Oh, he always likes to test the temperature of the water first,” Marsha said.

“But it says the temperature on that sign right there.”

“Can’t always trust people, Murray.” 

Murray watched as Paul completed the task and then was humiliated further when Paul placed on his swimming cap and goggles.

“Now you look like Ena Sharples from Coronation Street crossed with Biggles.”

“Be quiet Murray.”

The four of them were about to climb into the pool when Jason appeared beside them wearing the tightest pair of gold swimming trunks they’d ever seen. Murray and Paul didn’t know where to look.

“Crikey!” Paul said. 

“Looking good, Paul,” Jason said. “Nice goggles. Always good to protect those lovely eyes. Let’s have a dip eh?”

…

Soon the swim had led to a jacuzzi and there the five of them sat, letting the warmth of the water soothe them.

“Don’t you just love a jacuzzi?” Jason said, sitting in between Murray and Paul with his arms stretched around them. “Don’t you just love the way the bubbles go whooo all around every part of the body, whoop there they go again into every crevice.”

Paul and Murray exchanged glances. 

“I feel the most relaxed I’ve been since arriving,” Marsha said. “You can’t do this in our bath at home.”

“Know what you mean, Marsha,” Diana said, looking at Murray instead as she couldn’t see.

“So nice to get away eh?” Jason said, wriggling a foot in the air. “Good grief, is that a corn? I’m normally so on top of these things, my pedicurist has me seen to in no time at all.”

“I know what you mean,” Paul said. “Best to get things sorted out right away.”

Murray laughed. “You always were a bit corny eh Jason?” He nudged Diana. “Get it? Corny?”

“Very funny, Murray,” Jason said. “I do think it’s wonderful how close you all are. And Paul I’m so impressed how organised you are for all eventualities. It quite sent shivers down my spine when you pulled out that thermometer and got to action.”

“We’re looking forward to your show tonight,” Marsha said, interrupting. “What will you be performing?”

He wagged his finger. “A singing accountant never reveals his numbers.”

…

Bringing drinks over, Murray placed down the tray and sat down next to Diana at the table that evening in the ballroom. Marsha and Paul sat close together, her head resting on his shoulder and they were dressed up for the evening entertainments. 

“What’s he got in store for us do you think?” Marsha said. 

“Knowing Jason, he’s going to go all out,” Diana said with a giggle.

As the house lights dimmed and a spotlight beamed on the stage, Jason stepped into view wearing a sparkling red jacket and matching bowler hat. He immediately bowed and did some jazz hand poses. 

“Hello campers,” he said loudly to the audience into the microphone. “Your Uncle Jason is here to entertain you.”

As the music commenced, to the surprise of his friends who thought he could sing but had no idea of his other talents, Jason started to do a full tap dance routine, moving around the stage like lightning. 

“Look at him go!” Paul said, mouth hung open, eyes wide with delight. “Twinkle toes Jason Spiro! He can dance, he’s handsome, knows how to take care of his feet. I’m speechless.”

Murray huffed. “Well why don’t you just marry him?”

“Be quiet Murray, I’m trying to watch Jason.”

…

Inside their tiny bedroom later that night, Marsha dabbed Diana’s lip with some tissue. “Oh, you poor thing.”

“I can’t believe I forgot my glasses too. I didn’t see that sign at all.”

“You’re going to have a few bruises by the looks of it.”

“And all Murray did was laugh.” She folded her arms and winced.

“In fairness, Diana, I don’t think he was laughing at you, it was more that you fell on top of Paul.”

“Do you think he’s alright?” 

“I’ve already seen to him; his lumber region has suffered a little but the boys have started on the alcohol so he’ll forget all about it soon.”

“I thought Paul went by units.”

“Yes, well, the units change depending on what sort of mood he’s in. Let’s get you cleaned up and then we’ll join them.”

…

“How’s your back?” Murray said, lying on the uncomfortable fold out bed in the main caravan room. 

Paul tried to get comfortable with several pillows. “It’s painful. Can you please stop hogging the blanket?”

“Diana lets me have the blanket.”

“I’m not Diana.”

“You mean we’re not going to snuggle?” Murray feigned disappointment.

“Did someone say snuggle?” Jason said, appearing at the door dressed in a dressing gown and pyjamas. “I do love a snuggle.”

“The girls are in there,” Paul said.

“I was thinking all boys together.” He whipped off his dressing gown and began to climb under the blanket in-between the two men. “Ah now, isn’t this cosy?”

“Why aren’t you in your own place, Jay?” Murray asked, yanking the cover back.

“I returned to my caravan to find it wasn’t there.”

Murray and Paul laughed. 

“What do you mean?” Paul asked.

“Just that, rolled down the hill. Apparently, some camper with an eye problem didn’t see the sign and my not so secure caravan only needed a slightest nudge before flying away into the night like an adulterer caught with his trousers down.”

Murray sighed. “Fine, seeing as we’re such good mates, you can kip here, not that any of us is at fault, mind, just helping out an old pal, eh Paul?”

Paul nodded and then howled in pain.

“Oh, Paul, what ever have you done?” Jason asked.

“Diana was on top of him,” Murray said.

“I say. You four do have all the fun.”

“No, no, she fell on me accidentally. I’ve done my back in.”

“Poor baby. I’m good at massage if you’d like a rub?”

“Yes, I remember that. Could you?”

Jason elbowed Murray as he moved to assist Paul.

“Don’t mind me, you two carry on and I’ll just watch.” Murray drank some of his drink.

It was at that moment the girls arrived in the room— Marsha in a nightie, Diana in pyjamas bottoms and a vest top.

“Who’s in bed with Paul and Murray?” Diana said, squinting. “Can’t leave them five minutes.”

“It’s Jason,” Marsha said, leading her friend to a seat.

“Nothing to worry about, ladies,” Jason said with a large grin showcasing a set of impressive white teeth. “I needed a place to stay and the fellas were all to happy to oblige. Paul has hurt his poor back, so I’m tending to him.”

Marsha folded her arms. “I’m his wife, perhaps I should be tending to him.”

“Oh, Marsha, as kind as that is,” Paul said, stuttering. “Jason does have softer hands.”

“Oh, does he? Diana, pass me that bottle.”

Diana handed Marsha a bottle of detergent from the draining board.

“Not that one, Diana, the vodka. I wasn’t quite thinking about suicide, thought murder could be useful.”

Diana laughed. “Oops, thought it was alcohol.”

Murray’s eyebrow rose. “That’s the last time you serve me anything!”

“Is that a promise, Murray?”

Jason waved his hands in the air. “Now, now, now, no time for tears and hysterics. Come on ladies, climb in, let’s all snuggle together and have a drinky-poo. After all, in a few days we’ll be back to the grind. The rain has stopped, we’re young, free and alive.”

Murray looked at Jason. “Some of us are younger than others.”

“Meow! Murray, you old cat.”

The girls laughed, grabbed hands and jumped onto the unsteady bed, wrenching the covers from the men. Diana kissed Paul on the lips quickly.

“Diana, that’s Paul again,” Marsha reminded her.

“Oh right, sorry, keep doing that.” She found Murray and snuggled up next to him. “You’re Murray, right?”

“Good guess.” He laughed and kissed her head.

“What a beautiful moment I’m witnessing here,” Jason said, grabbing Paul’s hand. “Couples in love.” He let out a sudden shriek and then a sob. “I’m so alone!” he started to cry loudly, sobbing into the blanket. “All I want is to be loved.”

The others exchanged awkward glances. 

“We love you, Jay,” Diana said. 

“Do you love me, Paul?” Jason said, rubbing his head on Paul’s shoulder.

“Well…uh…friendships are love too, so of course.”

“I just want what you and Murray have.”

“I beg your pardon!” Marsha said, folding her arms. 

Jason sniffed a few times and then composed himself. “I’m dreadfully sorry. We should be enjoying our night together. Forget this outburst. The five of us are as one.”

At the moment the bed collapsed and they were all lying in a heap on the floor.

“My back!” Paul groaned from under the others.


End file.
